What do you even want us over for? For what; for us to feel pushed aside and invisible like always? Please.
Cant even talk about something without it later jus be considered whining. Yet I listen to your problems with no issue. So fucking done.
After a million times of being said, looks like I gotta learn to keep my fuckin mouth shut & that I really have no one to trust but myself.
ALWAYS GOTTA FUCKIN STICK TO REPRESSION OR THIS SHIT BC PEOPLE GOTTA FUCKIN WHINE ABOUT WHAT I NEED TO VENT. But when its their problems I’m jus like “oh ok lemme listen.”
Im so used to being considered a burden in my life & fuck this shit. It hurts most coming from you. I fuckin have nobody thats jus it now.
Just the need to get even. Not like it’s any different of a situation, right? Same shit. So you can’t talk if I can’t.
Don’t complain or whine about what I am doing if you’re allowed to do it.
Now don’t go being a #hypocrite. Okay? ;)
"Why does it seem as though when parents become…well, parents…that it seems as though they suddenly forget that they were our age once?"
I was just randomly pondering that thought on my ride home…it’s just weird how I sit there, all silently quiet during the rides with either one of my parents when they drive me places.
I think it’s kinda sad…it’s like everyday, nobody in this house really has anything to say to each other, or even any interest to bring something up to talk about.
Then I wondered, "Is this how my parents were with their parents…?" It’s seriously a sad thought.
With that in mind, and if that were the case, were my parents happy living that way with their parents…?”
All I know is, I definitely don’t like it.
My parents seem so close-minded when it comes to everything though. I feel as though the older I get, the no different they will ever treat me, because despite having mature conversations with them in the past, discussing these such matters with them, they continue to be in denial about how they forever seem to want to treat us like children.
It’s like, “hello? We’re over our 20’s now. We are way past the age to be treated like 5-year olds AND as oh, what did you call us the other day? ‘Teenagers’.”
They be on the point where if I were to move out, I ain’t even gonna look for ANY of them. Most of my family I wouldn’t look for. I just hate the fact that I feel as though I don’t even have family to fall back on if my friends were to fail or bail on me.
So all I have is myself.
But I’m still here struggling to even believe in myself. To have confidence in myself. So what do I do?
A little table to how to get rid of all that negative self-talk. We have to learn look at the good in situations too, instead of dwelling on things we can’t change- because you know what? We may not be able to change what is happening but we CAN change how we view it!
I need to practice this.
To be put down (constantly) by the people who should be closest to you.
By the people who should be supporting me in my struggles, not making a joke out of it.
What makes it worse is it being my parents.
I’ve always hated that when I look at myself, I feel as though I am so underdeveloped compared to the rest of my peers. Not even, I was also very deprived and low in confidence and self-esteem.
And as I grew up, I came to realize where the roots of my problem came from.
All my life I was stuck in this mold that my parents had (and still do have) high expectations of me. When I don’t reach these expectations, or behave in a way that they’re not used to or want me to, they then criticize and constantly put me down for it. And even make a joke out of it, even if it’s what makes ME happy and feel better about myself.
It’s like my happiness doesn’t even matter to them.
It’s even more like they want my life to be based on their happiness instead.
They make me forget that I have a purpose. They make me feel like a puppet instead.
They’ve made me hate my life so many times.
It’s a struggle every. Single. Day. Trying to find out what kind if person I want to be. I feel like I’m always shifting moods & attitudes. I probably come off as fake and/or hypocritical.
Who am I kidding. I know I do.
But none of it is intentional. I promise.
I’m just living life day by day, trying to figure out the exact type of person I want to be. I guess it’s kinda like I’m experimenting. Not that I like the fact that I have high boundaries & standards when it comes to people, it’s just I guess I kinda try to experiment what people have to offer and avoid mostly those who I feel have nothing beneficial for me.
Some people I seem very on & off with.
This is mostly because I tend to try to see the good in these people, and that I have seen their vulnerable sides, so I already have a clue that they must have some good in them I want to emphasize, and make come out.
I wanna try to make them a better person. Not for me I guess; or is it?
I’ve grown up a selfless person. A very horrible behavior & mentality toward myself, but for some odd reason, there are so many times that I find that the great quality in myself. Often I find that I am proud of it too. Other times I hate it but that’s only when it backfires or I’m feeling unappreciated for it.
I suppose though, that like always, time will tell (me):
1) eventually what kind of person I want to be, or just mold me into it.
2) who I should keep in my life and who I should cut off & avoid.
3) which of these people really wanna change for the better. Because those who never budge, well…like my father used to tell me, “You can’t help someone who doesn’t want to help themselves.” My efforts wouldn’t matter or make a difference if they didn’t want change that bad.
Wasn’t able to continue on. Was taking care of some scheduling matters.
Anyways, today was a good day. All over the place (at work) like always. Still hoping something good happens. (No writeups, maybe an offer to promotion, abother job calls me soon, etc.)
I wish I was extended today still but at the same time, I need to be more grateful the more days off I get. I worked a whole year without taking a day off; only when I was unavailable to work. Otherwise, any “mini-vacation” times were just amaaaaazing to have. And makes me feel even better about goin back to work, because it’s like I got all the rest I needed to compensate for all that working my ass off for $8/hr.
I really hope to get a better-paying job soon. I work too damn hard to only be earning 8….
So I remember that one of my New Years’ Resolutions was to blog once again. If it wasn’t to blog, it was to do my Instagram much more. Which I have done neither lol.
So let me try one today! For some reason, I felt like writing (as in blogging) all of a sudden because I was hearing my name from my manager at work. A lot. To District Managers. I’m hoping it was all good words? I feel very motivated when my hard work is appreciated; because I always feel as though I work much harder than others. So I suppose I feel the need to be appreciated for that. But that’s not abnormal right? Who doesn’t want to be appreciated for all their hard work?
Be right back one sec.